Physiciatrist

I wrote an email to a physiciatrist tonight.
She has a youtube and a couple of her videos were talking about social anxiety.
I found a video called possible causes on social anxiety.
Some of the causes and symptoms she named seemed somewhat like me.
I'm terrified.
So, I emailed her explaining my problems and asking her to help me.
Hopefully she writes back and helps me.

I can't believe my thoughts and feelings could go this far.
To maybe actual problems.
Or phobias.

I hope not.

Pictures

I'm looking through old pictures right now and seriously upset.
It's really depressing.
I was so happy then.
I look all smiley and giggly.
It was easy.
I look like a little angel.
I wish I felt like that now.

Life was so carefree.

Countdown

27 more days.
I think I'm the most ready.
This has been the worst year of my life slash some good days.
I think I made more friends than any year but that doesn't make up for the feelings I've had. And turmoil.
It NEVER crossed my mind before how a simple environment

can change so much.

Complicated

I don't remember life being this complicated.
I remember waking up to sunlight and it made me so happy.
It was a new day.
And I was rested.
And HAPPY.
I miss that so much.
Now, I just wake up to another depressing day.
I want to be happy again.

Years

I'm not sure what I like what I've become over the years.
I look back at pictures from my bat-mitzvah and yearbooks and more pictures and it's just making me angry.
I miss loving life.
And I miss life not feeling this complicated.

Cypress

You know what cypress is lacking?
Well, cypress lacks a lot of things.
But the main thing?
Real people.
Real people you can pour your heart out too.
Share your emotions with.
Out of 5,000 people, I found no one like that.
Maybe I'm not looking hard enough but that's how it's been to me.
Everyone just hangs out with whoever is popular.
Or pretty.
Or loud.
Obnoxious.
Outspoken.
There's no one that I can talk to.
About what's REALLY going on.
No one cares about what's really going on in the person they sit next to's life.
It's crazy.
Everyone is so stuck up.
Sometimes I think that I'm the only real person at cypress.
Or maybe I'm the least real.
Maybe that's how it goes now.
Everyone keeps everything on the inside and acts like a total different person on the outside.
It's really sad.

And I'm starting to not be able to take it.

Sleep

I'm sleep deprived.
I need sleep so badly.
I went to sleep at 1 last night.
I thought since it was the weekend and I was a little rested,
I would be okay today.
But I was wrong.
I hardly remember my alarm clock going off.
I was basically sleep walking to all my classes.
I hate being tired at school because it changes the way I am that day.
My personality I guess.
I don't feel like Rachel.
I read something on the internet which said when you're sleepy, you act insecure sometimes.
Or you think too much.
Just because you're tired.

I am DEFINENTLY going to sleep early tonight.

Devil

The devil is trying to put negative thoughts in my mind.
I'm fighting back but it's hard.
I will succeed though.
I have God on my side.
The devil must have some nerve.

He better step back.

Shoutout

Just want to make a shoutout to one of my really good friends.
JOSE RODRIGUEZ.
:)
Thank you for encouraging me.
And the amazing help you give and gave to lift my spirit up.

I love you so very much.

<3

UGLY PANTS

Dressing very ugly tonight.
My dance teacher is making us wear the ugliest pants under the ugliest dress.
I look like one giant air balloon.
And boy does it stink being short.
I barely need the pants.
The dress goes all the way down to my toes basically.
At least the dress is purple.
My favorite color.
My brother is being one spoiled brat right about now.
He keep whining.
I'm about to take a pot and knock him out.
Today is going good so far.
Nice weather.
Were dancing at a nursing home tonight.
Not my favorite place to dance but were going to make the senior citizens happy.
And then we get to talk to them after.
I remember when I was in 2nd grade I think, I went to a nursing home and I gave an old lady a card.
She had one eye.
It tramatized me for the remaining of the year.
Hm.
I never quite got over that.
I hope tonight,

the whole audience has two eyes.

Happy

Having a great day.
I never wrote that here have I?
This is a first.
:)
Anyways, I an finally learning how to not care what people say or think.
You know how bad it used to be?
I used to not even get up and throw something away.
I thought everyone would look at me or laugh.
Or something.
I'm so happy that's over.
I am also trying new things.
Different makeup with different outfits.
Wearing my bangs different ways.
Different hairstyles.
Clothes out of the norm.
It's really fun trying new things actually.
Wouldn't life be boring doing the same thing every day?
So repetitive.
So I'm happy.
I feel rejuvenated.
Refreshed.

A new me.

Earth Day

I am so bored in math class.
We have a substitute today.
Thank God.
I hate my math teacher.
And she hates me so it's all good.
:)
Anyways, Happy Earth Day!
I'm wearing all green today. ALL green.
So this is my outfit:
a green shirt,
jean shorts,
green and white stockings(lol),
slip in shoes,
and a purple scarf.
:)
I've been getting a lot of compliments so I thought that was cool.

Once again, math can go die.

Cry

So. I have some friends.
A couple good ones.
And that makes me happy.
So, I'm not a total loner.
I'm still thinking of the pastor and how Godly he is.
He made it all make sense.
What a man of God he is.
I'm definently going to the next conference.
Just to cry again.
Crying feels so good.
I can never cry at home.
It's always in the wrong places.
Like school.
But in church, I can.
And it feels so good.
Listening to the pastor's annointing spirit,
having God inside those walls,
and just crying to him.
Both of them I guess.

It's my own personal healing.

Hiding

I'm tired of hiding.
Hiding my individuality.
I want to express who I and and what I like.
It's easier said than done.
That's for sure.

Pray for me.

School

Right now, i'm sitting on concrete waiting for the coach to dismiss us to dress out.
I feel so depressed and blah.
1st hour is always terrible.
I'm so quiet and shy.
And depressed I guess you could say.
I hate this school so much.
The environment sucks.
I hope it's not me and just the school.
I'm fine over the weekend.
I'm fine being alone.
But, here, being alone isn't accepted.
You need to be a stuck up slut

or hispanic and obnoxious.

THE OUTPOURING!

I can not explain how amazing last night went.
Amazing isn't even the word.
We were invited to dance at this church right?
Video up soon.
So after all the dances including us showed everyone their dances,

THE PASTORS STARTED TO TALK.

You don't understand.

I can't even explain what I felt.

The pastor's words were just so filled with the holy spirit.

I couldn't contain myself.

I started crying.

Tears started pouring out of my eyes.

He was talking about glory and souls.

God's holy spirit WAS in those walls.

So, basically the whole church was on their knees.

Crying, screaming, or just flat out praying.

All youth people.

I was hysterical.

After an hour went by,

Things started happening.

MIRACLES.

The pastor started seeing some of the people's problems.

He named my dad's problem in his eye without my dad telling him!

He's like "I see an eye problem. Not sure what the problem is but it's in the right eye."

And my dad was shocked how he knew!

Out of about 200 people, he knew what was wrong with my dad.

This pastor healed so many people last night.

This girl walked in that church with skin cancer.

Black dots all over her arms.

He started saying he saw a girl with skin cancer.

That girl ran up to the stage so fast.

I couldn't believe it.

The dots were GONE!

Her skin cancer was..GONE.

God did that.

He healed more and more people that night.

Just with the pastor's annointing.

The pastor starting saying there's glitter.

"Check your hands, check your clothes."

I checked my clothes, my hands.

No glitter.

Then I checked the floor.

There was silver glitter around me!

Right where I was on my knees.

Surrounding me!

Ms. Arlene, my dance teacher, told my dad she saw glitter behind us dancers.

The whole row behind us was filled with glitter!

I'm not making this up.

GOD WAS IN THE BUILDING LAST NIGHT.

He changed me.

So then as i'm still hystericaly crying,

He calls up everyone who wants to accept Jesus into their heart.

I ran up to the altar so fast.

We all said a prayer.

Receiving Jesus into our hearts.

AND THEN.

One of the pastor's had four books in his hand.

Books he wrote!

He said "You need to go buy this book. It will change your life."

AND THEN.

HE GAVE NAPHTALIE AND I AND TWO OTHERS HIS BOOK.

When he gave me his book he looked straight into my eyes and said "If I have a daughter someday, I hope she looks like you. I love your curly hair. And you have such gorgeous eyes. You're beautiful."

HE SAID THAT WHILE HE WAS ON STAGE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.

That made me feel so good.

Then, we went into a room and they gave us a form to fill out so they can call us to see how were doing once in a while.

Then, I got my book signed by the pastor who wrote it!

I think he knows God is going to do something special in my life or something.

I'm not sure.

All I know is, I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart and into my life.

FOR GOOD.

FOR GOOD.

I always have to see something before I believe it,

So when I started seeing proof,

I knew God exists.

That doesn't just happen.

Diseases don't just go away.

Cancer doesn't just go away.

Unless God is there.

And he was there last night.

And he made

CANCER.

DISEASES.

SICKNESSES.

Go away.

And I call that absolutely amazing.

Ugh.

There has to be a better word.

Amazing isn't even the word.

DanceDanceDance

Dance performance in a little bit.
Too close.
I think my heart just might jump out of my chest.

Pray for me my 5 followers. :/.

Townhouse

Just finished looking at a townhouse up for rent.
It was amazing.
So peaceful.
I felt no stress.
There was no annoying teenagers that I go to school with running around. I
felt myself there.
Wholesome.
My parents liked it too.
One part I loved which I wanted my whole life, is stairs.
I love stairs. :)
I love 2 stories.
Another thumbs up besides the stairs and peacefulness was the room I would call mine is upstairs and it has a balcony. :)
So when I have to get out somewhere, I can go out and sit on my balcony OR I can go and relax at the most beautiful lake i've ever seen.
It's just simply beautiful.
There's trees around the lake too.
And the lake is all sparkely.

It's so gorgeous.

If

*reads my shirt*

"Laugh everyday. All day. Hahaha. That's definently you Rachel."

Yeah, if only she knew.

Awkward

I hate being so awkward with everyone i'm around.
I talk awkwardly.
I walk awkwardly.
I even stand awkwardly.
It aggravates me so much.
Tonight, I was talking to my friend and a guy.
And I felt like I was being so awkward.
It's always like that. I need so much help.
I need so many questions answered.
And everything is left unsaid.
I want to be myself again.

There is nothing to say.

I just need actions.

And fast.

Hmm.

Feeling good.
Let's see if the moment stays.
I'm talking about a miracle.

.......

Dance Practice

Dance practice was terrible.
Probably because I haven't been myself for a while.
I'm trying to find myself. I really am.
It's supposed to be fun but right now,
it ain't fun.
I'm just really serious and depressed sometimes.
Everything ticked me off today. I was doing everything wrong.
One thing I did right today though was I stuck up for myself while someone was trying to bring me lower than I am already.
I hope I find myself soon because this horrible feeling inside is taking a toll on me.

Oh, and hi Mike. :) You made my day so much better by just simply messaging me on youtube. Thank you so much.

Taylor Swift

I love Taylor Swift so much.
She speaks her mind.
Even though they're just love songs, I can tell she has a heart.
She kind of reminds me of me?
And we have the same hair.
I'm so glad I got her newest album for my birthday.
Thank you Jenna. :)

The simple thing as a CD brightens my day.

I'm very unique in some ways...

NEVER RENT.

Hi. I'm pissed.
My shower is a disgrace.
I'm renting right? DON'T EVER DO IT. I have no water pressure or water heat in my shower. Whenever I start to take a shower it's fine.
Then, out of nowhere, it starts turning cold.
So I turn it more to the left.
Then, my water pressure gets less and less until I can hardly get all the soap out of my hair!

We pay this guy so much money every month to rent and he's heartless! He keeps sending all these stupid workers who have no idea what they're doing just to keep avoiding the problem! UGH. NEVER RENT. EVER. badwordbadwordbadword.

Thinking

People with all different personalities.
Confident.
Knows it all.
How do you find one to call your own?
Make yourself unique.

Make yourself known.

WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?

I just have to share this with y'all.
I honestly can't believe my eyes. The eyes that God gave me.
I can't believe this.
The world is sick.
Sick, sick, sick.
Look at this:
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/store/product.jsp?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374302028445&PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524442186742&bmUID=1239299705783

YMJA!

I am just thinking of what to write and it has become very....

OVERWELMING.

Basically, I had the best weekend ever.

BEST. WEEKEND. EVER.

It was 3 days of complete joy, laughter, and FUN.

I'm...speechless.

I don't know what to say.

There was water tubing, praise&worship, new people, new friends, happiness, and JOY.

I'm making a video about it.

check it out?

I Just Don't Know

I just really don't.
I always have this feeling in my gut sometimes where I just want to yell and scream and make a scene. NO ONE knows the real me when I'm like this. It's just this year. I've just turned into this monster since 10th grade. I call it a monster because I hate how I feel. I feel like a monster. A monster who can't find his herd. His place.
I feel like a monster because I don't fit in. Monsters don't fit in do they?


I write on here because I have no one else to tell. I have to get it out somewhere.
It gets bottled up inside of me where no more feelings can fit. I just have to explode.
I have a great friend Alex. But he's only there for me sometimes. So I guess he's not a good friend. He said he's not good with "the phone."
We can't see each other much because we live far away and he says he's like that with the phone because we can't see each other much. Which I think is total bull.
Youth Retreat tomorrow.
Great.


Sorry if this doesn't make sense to you. I just took what was inside of my endless brain and starting typing.
I'm so glad I can make blogs like this. It makes me feel so much better.
Just getting it out.
And off my chest.

Untitled

Finding yourself may sound REALLY easy to you.

To me,

it's the hardest puzzle I can't solve.